War Crimes on the Evening News.

Attacking Journalists and Medics. Using chemical weapons on your own population. Targeting Ethnic or Religious minorities for persecution. All of these are War Crimes and Human Rights Violations. They're also the justifications (that I can remember) used for every military action taken by America during my lifetime.

The last week I have seen each of these things happen in real time on the news. Americans in Law Enforcement and Military uniforms attacking people, who until that moment had been mostly peaceful.

I know that people are going to object to this post as being "political." This is not a political post. I'm speaking to something that is at the heart of Quaker faith. Friends have long been called to recognize injustice and work to eliminate it.

I've seen many white friends posting "this isn't the country that I love" on Facebook. I'm am amazed at how sheltered and insulted they must have been. One of them lives in the very village who's police department has harassed me repeatedly over my lifetime. (I may be so pale I sunburn through my clothes, but I'm also poor). The mistreatment and persecution of African Americans has been a constant throughout our history.

Do not make the mistake that George Floyd's murder by police is the sole cause of the current wave of protests... That have turned into police riots almost nightly. The criminally negligent Federal mishandling of the Covid-19 pandemic, every African American killed up to that point, and refusal of so many Americans to acknowledge the problem is also responsible.

I could not watch the video of George Floyd's death the whole way through. A large man in his 40s being held down until unable to breathe. I'm a large man in my 40s with breathing issues... I saw myself being held down and suffocated to death. Contrary to what some people believe, you can still get words out when you can't breathe.

I have two more points to make before I'm done. 

I'm a fan of Rev. John Pavlovitz. One thing he has been stating repeatedly the last several years is "If your church is silent right now. You should leave it." The New York Yearly Meeting and Friends General Conference have both made statements condemning the current injustice happening in America. So I know that my church is on the right side.

Finally. NOTHING justifies Human Rights Violations or War Crimes. Period, full stop. If you find yourself defending them. You are wrong.

Treating Someone Like Family... That's the Problem.

This last holiday season reminded me of something that happened to my little sister. 

After I had moved out on my own, but my little sister was still a child. Something happened with my Aunt's family. My Aunt, her husband, and all 5 kids moved in with my parents. Suddenly, instead of 3 people living in a decently sized house (Mom, Stepfather, and one kid), it was 10 people under one roof that was way too small.

My cousins were loud and always yelling at each other. Picking on each other just short of bullying. They were used to just grabbing anything that the other sibling had that they wanted. Basically, a normal, slightly dysfunctional, large family.

For my little sister it was incredibly traumatizing. She was Home-schooled. Used to a quiet environment where the adults read, watched TV, and spent their days on the computer (my parents were early adopters). She hated every minute of it. Just wanted my cousins to stop taking her stuff and leave her alone. Resented every insult (they thought she was over sensitive when they picked on her). Basically, it became her version of a living Hell (mine is going through a retail store closing).

After my Aunt's family moved out. My sister refused to have anything to do with my cousins for a long time. Actually, it was only recently that she started talking to them...

One day I was visiting the oldest of my Aunt's children. My cousin (who is now 35) said to me. "I don't know why your sister hates us so much. We treated her just like a sister." I told her the honest truth. "That is probably actually the problem. Do you like how you and your siblings treat each other?' (The dysfunction never really stopped.) It was like a light dawned in my cousin's eyes.

Since we grew up in it. We often don't realize how dysfunctional our own family dynamic is. It's only when someone else points it out to us, that we realize we have a problem.

This is honestly a major problem for most new couples. Either the new SO has their boundaries ignored and becomes resentful. Or the reverse happens, and the new SO violates boundaries and is offensive to the other family members. Which makes it even harder when there are actual issues....

The same thing definitely happens in Church and Business. Honestly, if I am interviewing or going through orientation at a new job and someone says to me "we're like a big family here" it's one of my warning signs that it might be a bad place to work.

Churches are even worse about it. If someone doesn't agree with specific Doctrines, or live up to unspoken (or even spoken but inappropriate) standards. The church can become an incredibly hostile place for that person. To be frank, the vast majority of the Nones and the Dones state this as the reason they no longer attend church. Honestly, it's happened to me with my wife's church once (a specific location, not the whole Denomination).

While it has never happened to me. I know for a fact that  churches and meetings in my own Denomination of The Religious Society of Friends can be like that as well.

So, we have to ask ourselves. When we say we treat everyone like family. Is that a good thing or a bad thing.

Yes, even Hitler.

"There is that of God within every one." This is what I feel is the core of Quaker Faith. What I think informs all of our other testimonies and beliefs.

Since is spend so much time around people of faith who are not Friends. I frequently get asked what Quakers believe. 

A question that is unfortunately easier to answer in the negative with Hicksite Friends, with what we don't believe and do. There is a very good reason for this, and one that I hold as a positive. It is because we recognize that people's individual spiritual journey is just that, individual. Unlike other Denominations, we are not defined by whether or not we believe in the Trinity, the Divinity of Jesus, or what we consider sinful. We are more defined by our commitments to Integrity, Peace, Justice, Equality, and caring for the world.

Since I have been asked so many times "What do Quakers believe" my response has been refined to "There is so much variety between Quakers that isn't really an answerable question. However, I can tell you that our core belief is that there is that of God within every one." Weirdly enough, I've been asked more than once. "What, even Hitler?" I do have a ready answer to that. "Sometimes they make it really hard to see."

On the whole, everyone has trouble recognizing That of the Light in challenging people. We look at someone who we see as irredeemably evil... and our minds just won't let us see the better aspects of them. 

We also let this happen when we are dealing with people we just don't agree with. We decide that because we think they are wrong, there is nothing worthy about them, but that is a topic for another day.

Getting back to my original point. Yes Adolf Hitler had The Inner Light (another name for That of God). He chose to ignore his Light. The same can be said of many other people. Josef Stalin, Pol Pot, just about any American CEO or Hedge Fund manager, and one person whose name I'm sure will spring to everyone's mind by my not naming him.

While everyone does have a measure of the Light within them, listening to the Light and following it is a choice. We also have what I think of as The Inner Dark, what I have heard Evangelical's refer to as The Voice of Satan. In psychological terms it is the collection of biases, prejudices, hatreds, self centered beliefs, and personal aggrandizement that we all fall prey to. 

It would be so easy to give a long list of examples of people who followed the Light, and those who followed the Dark. Examples that would give the idea that it is an either or binary choice. Instead, I'm going to talk about a much more complicated figure.

In America Mahatma Gandhi is viewed as the ultimate Holy Man. A figure of inspiration when it comes to peace and nonviolence. Gandhi is an inspiration to many Generations of Friends (a specific positive example). I cannot speak to how he is viewed in India, but I am fairly certain that he is a national hero. 

So, imagine my surprise when I read about an effort inspired by the American movement to remove statues of controversial racist figures from public view. In Ghana, my Sister-in-Law's home country, the students were fighting to remove a statue of Mahatma Gandhi from their campus. 

Mahatma Gandhi was a lawyer originally, who worked in Africa... on the side of oppression. It would be fair to characterize  Gandhi's work in South Africa as about elevating Indians above the native African population. (For more on this subject I recommend this article Was Mahatma Gandhi a Racist) 

In Mahatma Gandhi I see a figure who both gave in to his Inner Dark, but then redeemed himself and followed the Inner Light.

While I am definitely no apologist for Adolf Hitler. I'm sure that there were many points in his life where Hitler could have chosen to follow his Inner Light... He never made that choice. Instead he followed his Inner Dark to the point where he is the example of The Ultimate Evil that everyone has in their hearts. Including mine.

In short, yes, even Hitler had That of God within him... Hitler chose not to listen.

She Keeps Searching.

Sally (Blond) and Dune (Tri-Color) on their final walk together.

Sniffing the ground frantically, Sally diligently searches for some trace of her Dune. Dune went on a walk with her in the morning. The Owners unclipped her from the split leash, and then took Dune back outside. The Owners took Dune for a ride, and when the Owners returned, Dune was not with them. Now, Sally knows Dune must have gone somewhere, and she can find him if she just follows his scent... Which is on the places he marked on the block.

This is what is most heartbreaking to me. How do you explain to a dog that her love is gone? How can you tell her that he is not coming home, and she can't find him by searching? 

One of our family dogs, Dune, suddenly developed a lump in his mouth a couple of weeks ago. We took him to vet, and he said that they would do surgery as soon as they got a new laser. Take out the lump and check to see if it was cancer. Well, in the time it took them to get the laser in, it got incredibly worse. Until finally, when we were scheduled to take him to get blood drawn for his surgery... We had to admit that the lump had taken over his mouth and we had to do the most difficult thing and take him to his final rest.

We took him to the ASPCA that he was adopted from nine years ago, paid the fees, and watched him happily walk out back with the worker. Completely unaware that this was his last day. I was supposed to be there for my younger sister, who owned Dune, and help her through this difficult task. However, I was so much worse than she was... And still am.

I know that what we did was necessary, but I miss Dune really badly right now. He was as much mine as my sister's. There is a reason they call dogs "man's best friend." While my dogs Happy and Sally (well I'm Sally's legal owner, but she's really my wife's now) are in good health... And I am grateful to still have them. There is a big Dune shaped hole in my life now.

I am a Quaker who believes in the Divine, and that there is something to come. I'm hoping that Dune has plenty of balls to chase, friends to play with, and comfy places to sleep.

The Crappy Fork

I was thinking about a story that illustrates one of the microcosms of a relationship.

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One day you meet a new woman and hit it off.

Eventually, you invite her over to dinner. Time to eat, and you grab a pair of forks from the drawer. 

Nothing wrong with either of them, you just happen to like one a lot more than the other. So, you give her the nice fork and make do with the crappy one.

Time passes, you spend more time together. Maybe you've moved in with one another, or gotten married. Your relationship is nothing but stronger.  You have plenty of forks, but for some reason those same two forks always pop up when you grab some for the two of you. Because, you still think the world of her, you still make an effort to give her the good fork. Keeping the crappy one for yourself.

This goes on for years, then one day she's in a bad mood. You bring her the good fork, and start using the crappy one. She snaps at you, "Why do you always get the good fork?"

It turns out that she really likes the other fork, and has been wanting it the whole time. Your good fork is her crappy fork, and vice versa...

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Now, the "Fork" can be anything in a relationship. A pillow, a book, a behavior, an action, a habit, or even a "move."

Somewhere that you think you are going out of your way to be awesome. However, because it has never been discussed. You are actually being self centered and projecting your own wants and needs onto someone else. This happens in just about every relationship, not just romantic ones. 

Honestly, I can't help but feel that all too often this happens to our relationship with the Divine. 

We worry about dressing nice for church. Praying exactly how we think God wants us to. Behaving exactly like everyone else in our congregation, and insisting that anyone new does the same. Adhering ever stronger to tradition or doctrine. Thinking that is what the Divine wants. In extreme cases this search for ever greater sanctity rises to the level of a mental illness called Scrupulosity (it's an offshoot of OCD).

In other words, giving God the "Fork" we think he wants.

It makes sense when you think about it. After all large fancy buildings, nice clothes, catchy music, tradition, and fancy equipment is what impresses us as humans. Surely the Divine must be impressed when we give all these things to them...

Like many Quakers, I think that the Divine craves something else. I personally feel the presence of the Light much more strongly when I am walking in a gorge, or reading a great book then when I am in church or meeting. (I respect that it is very often the opposite for others).

There have been times I wonder if God actually even wants worship, or if it embarrasses them... Or actively annoys the Divine.

There is only one thing that I am personally sure that the Divine wants. I'm only sure of it because there is That of God in Everyone. What the Divine definitely wants is for us to love and take care of each other. Yes, even _______ (fill in the blank with whoever you personally can't stand). Remember, there is That of God within them, even if we have trouble seeing it.

My Wife is My Partner.

Since my handwriting is somewhat messy. I will transcribe what it says above.

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Dear "Transformed Wife,"

"Oh Yummy!" When my wife says that as I hand her a plate of food I just cooked. It is the most amazing feeling I have ever experienced. The sheer happiness in her eyes. I love to cook. Why should I give that up?

I don't need anyone to take care of me. I am a smart, capable, and knowledgeable man. Not only can I cook, but I can clean, wash dishes, do laundry, and make minor household repairs. My wife does not need to mother me. I am fully capable on my own. No one expects me to do chores, except me.

I love my wife as my partner and equal. As Proverbs 31 suggests, I show appreciation for all of her works. I praise her for her work in the church, for her faith, and her boundless determination. She bolsters me through her strength, not by being my servant.

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I don't usually respond to things that I see online in my blog. Especially when others have written perfectly good rebuttals already. However, I do feel I have something to add to this conversation.

I recently became aware of Lori Alexander and her blog "The Transformed Wife." The above letter was my reaction to her regressive ideas. I will be completely honest here. I can't help but think to myself that she has no idea what Christian means. Also, I have scriptures about specks and logs running through my head when I read her "About Me" biography and some of her posts.

I'm a Christian Friend. I was raised as one, and identify as one now that I have returned to Meeting.
My wife is an Adventist. Both my wife and myself have an idea of Christianity that is closer to each others than the politicized version I see when I visit Ms. Alexander's blog. To be frank, I'm not sure I see Christ in Ms. Alexander's version.

As for why I care about men doing chores so much. Well... I've seen so many of these poor older gentlemen over the years. Recent widowers who have no idea what to do. In a department store looking for clothes, not even knowing what size they wear. In a grocery store, completely lost, because they have never had to buy food for themselves before. I can't imagine the feeling of helplessness at the simplest of tasks, that the Mrs. used to take care of for them. Gender equality doesn't just benefit women, it is great for men too.

I Know What Is Going On.

I can't believe how bad it is getting.

Every day there is a new outrage in the news. Something more awful than the day before. 

Committed in our names by the leadership of our country.

I have immigrants in my family. From Asia and Africa.While I myself may be blindingly Caucasian, that is definitely not true for all of my family. I myself have always been told that I have Seneca blood many generations back. I have friends whose families come from every corner of the Earth...

I was a child during the tail end of the Cold War. I was told that we were better than the USSR, because we were more moral. The Russians did things that we would never dream of.

Now, nearly 30 years after the end of the Cold War....

Things have gotten bad enough that my 85 year old grandmother, who I have never discussed politics with in my entire life... Brought up everything that has been happening, and how upsetting it is. Until this week, I didn't even know whether or not Grandma was registered to vote. My mother told me she didn't like to discuss politics decades ago, so I never brought it up.

Well, there is a reason why I have been keeping the Daily Outrages out of my blog. Not because I do not see what is happening. Not because I do not care about our Nation.

I actually am a very strong patriot. In the mold of Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King Jr., and Thomas K. Beecher. I do everything I can to make this a better Nation, for everyone who lives here. I even sacrifice several days a year to help keep our democracy running.

However, there is a real problem with fighting the Daily Outrage. Getting upset about every horrible thing that happens. If you do that with no breaks ever. You run serious risk of Empathy Fatigue.

Empathy Fatigue is something that happens to Social Workers, Civil Rights Lawyers, Teachers, and even Police Officers. After a while you see so much awful, your sense of Empathy begins to dull. The human mind can only handle so much before it starts to give up.

In order to avoid Empathy Fatigue I have been keeping my blog focused on how to deepen my Faith. Somewhat as a way to remind myself that I can be a good Quaker and a good person. That Faith is not the property of the Religious Right, that the Religious Left is heir to our traditions as well.

My sense of Justice is tied up with my Faith. After all, I am a Friend, and Quakers have a long history of being Moral Crusaders.

I am a Feminist and a Socialist (please don't confuse that term with Communist). I am against Mass Incarceration, LGBTQ+ discrimination, Racism, and Anti-Immigrant sentiment.

I stand for destroying Income Inequality. Ensuring that all Americans have their needs met. That everyone has Health Care, Food, Affordable Housing, the Education they desire, and the chance for a decent life. Working for a society that works for everyone. Not just some people.

In other words, I stand for things that I see in Quaker tradition, and in the Bible. God belongs to no political party.