Treating Someone Like Family... That's the Problem.

This last holiday season reminded me of something that happened to my little sister. 

After I had moved out on my own, but my little sister was still a child. Something happened with my Aunt's family. My Aunt, her husband, and all 5 kids moved in with my parents. Suddenly, instead of 3 people living in a decently sized house (Mom, Stepfather, and one kid), it was 10 people under one roof that was way too small.

My cousins were loud and always yelling at each other. Picking on each other just short of bullying. They were used to just grabbing anything that the other sibling had that they wanted. Basically, a normal, slightly dysfunctional, large family.

For my little sister it was incredibly traumatizing. She was Home-schooled. Used to a quiet environment where the adults read, watched TV, and spent their days on the computer (my parents were early adopters). She hated every minute of it. Just wanted my cousins to stop taking her stuff and leave her alone. Resented every insult (they thought she was over sensitive when they picked on her). Basically, it became her version of a living Hell (mine is going through a retail store closing).

After my Aunt's family moved out. My sister refused to have anything to do with my cousins for a long time. Actually, it was only recently that she started talking to them...

One day I was visiting the oldest of my Aunt's children. My cousin (who is now 35) said to me. "I don't know why your sister hates us so much. We treated her just like a sister." I told her the honest truth. "That is probably actually the problem. Do you like how you and your siblings treat each other?' (The dysfunction never really stopped.) It was like a light dawned in my cousin's eyes.

Since we grew up in it. We often don't realize how dysfunctional our own family dynamic is. It's only when someone else points it out to us, that we realize we have a problem.

This is honestly a major problem for most new couples. Either the new SO has their boundaries ignored and becomes resentful. Or the reverse happens, and the new SO violates boundaries and is offensive to the other family members. Which makes it even harder when there are actual issues....

The same thing definitely happens in Church and Business. Honestly, if I am interviewing or going through orientation at a new job and someone says to me "we're like a big family here" it's one of my warning signs that it might be a bad place to work.

Churches are even worse about it. If someone doesn't agree with specific Doctrines, or live up to unspoken (or even spoken but inappropriate) standards. The church can become an incredibly hostile place for that person. To be frank, the vast majority of the Nones and the Dones state this as the reason they no longer attend church. Honestly, it's happened to me with my wife's church once (a specific location, not the whole Denomination).

While it has never happened to me. I know for a fact that  churches and meetings in my own Denomination of The Religious Society of Friends can be like that as well.

So, we have to ask ourselves. When we say we treat everyone like family. Is that a good thing or a bad thing.

I Know What Is Going On.

I can't believe how bad it is getting.

Every day there is a new outrage in the news. Something more awful than the day before. 

Committed in our names by the leadership of our country.

I have immigrants in my family. From Asia and Africa.While I myself may be blindingly Caucasian, that is definitely not true for all of my family. I myself have always been told that I have Seneca blood many generations back. I have friends whose families come from every corner of the Earth...

I was a child during the tail end of the Cold War. I was told that we were better than the USSR, because we were more moral. The Russians did things that we would never dream of.

Now, nearly 30 years after the end of the Cold War....

Things have gotten bad enough that my 85 year old grandmother, who I have never discussed politics with in my entire life... Brought up everything that has been happening, and how upsetting it is. Until this week, I didn't even know whether or not Grandma was registered to vote. My mother told me she didn't like to discuss politics decades ago, so I never brought it up.

Well, there is a reason why I have been keeping the Daily Outrages out of my blog. Not because I do not see what is happening. Not because I do not care about our Nation.

I actually am a very strong patriot. In the mold of Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King Jr., and Thomas K. Beecher. I do everything I can to make this a better Nation, for everyone who lives here. I even sacrifice several days a year to help keep our democracy running.

However, there is a real problem with fighting the Daily Outrage. Getting upset about every horrible thing that happens. If you do that with no breaks ever. You run serious risk of Empathy Fatigue.

Empathy Fatigue is something that happens to Social Workers, Civil Rights Lawyers, Teachers, and even Police Officers. After a while you see so much awful, your sense of Empathy begins to dull. The human mind can only handle so much before it starts to give up.

In order to avoid Empathy Fatigue I have been keeping my blog focused on how to deepen my Faith. Somewhat as a way to remind myself that I can be a good Quaker and a good person. That Faith is not the property of the Religious Right, that the Religious Left is heir to our traditions as well.

My sense of Justice is tied up with my Faith. After all, I am a Friend, and Quakers have a long history of being Moral Crusaders.

I am a Feminist and a Socialist (please don't confuse that term with Communist). I am against Mass Incarceration, LGBTQ+ discrimination, Racism, and Anti-Immigrant sentiment.

I stand for destroying Income Inequality. Ensuring that all Americans have their needs met. That everyone has Health Care, Food, Affordable Housing, the Education they desire, and the chance for a decent life. Working for a society that works for everyone. Not just some people.

In other words, I stand for things that I see in Quaker tradition, and in the Bible. God belongs to no political party.