They Have Family and Friends.

This is a question that I am sure has been bothering Quakers for centuries. How do we honor our nation's fallen soldiers, without glorifying war? We have long followed the Peace Testimony. We have long sought to prevent war.

The Woodlawn National Cemetery, located in Elmira New York, has the most northern of the Confederate Civil War monuments (it came up during the recent debate, and that's what the local news said). The monument is dedicated to all of the Confederate dead who died in the Elmira Prisoner of War camp.

During the Civil War a formerly escaped slave, John W. Jones, made sure that every Confederate prisoner that died received a proper burial in Woodlawn. That they would not be forgotten or lost. To this day Southerners visit the cemetery to find family members. I personally believe that he must have been very in touch with the Divine that was inside him to be that forgiving. Especially since he was a conductor on the Underground Railroad.

My childhood was spent within sight of the Woodlawn cemetery, both the civilian and national sections of it. I wandered into it a few times as a child. I once happened upon that monument. I was confused, because weren't the Confederates bad? Why did "bad people" have a statue (I was too young to know the difference between a statue and a monument) in the cemetery? 

Now, all of my Civil War ancestors were on the Union side. Also, my single mother was raising me as a Quaker. So, we were decidedly pro-Union and abolitionist in our family (If we needed to have the old labels applied). I asked her about the statue, and she gave me an awesome answer.

The Confederate Soldiers mostly weren't bad people, and they had family and friends that loved them. So they deserved a statue to remember them.

That statement informs my adult Leading on Memorial Day, Veterans Day, and all the other times our Nation seems to give into jingoism. I respect and honor all of our veterans. They did what they felt was right. Or at least did what they felt they needed to do. We should take note of them, because they have family and friends who still love them.

However, I dream of the day that the last military veteran dies of old age. When war is nothing more than a distant memory. That is the world I work for by following the Peace Testimony.

Hometown Heroes

As a Quaker, I follow the Peace Testimony, and have for as far back as I can remember. Even when I slipped away from the Society, I was still a pacifist. Being a pacifist and non-violent is not an easy path, especially when you are young. It's even harder when you are young and poor, because there is so much violence around you. Also, anger is  easier than serenity. Serenity requires effort.

Due to the fact that I have always been a pacifist, I've become somewhat sensitive to the militarism and violence in our culture. The aggressive national anthem. Our near sanctification of active duty military personnel (only as long as they are convenient). Jingoism and nationalism replacing patriotism. The list could go on nearly endlessly.

I want to make one thing clear. I am personally a pacifist, but I do not have any disrespect for those that felt called to join the military. I have quite a few family members and friends who did serve, and I understand why they did. This blog post is not about servicemen and servicewomen. This is about the need to promote peace, and peaceful activities, as well as war. A goal that I know many people who have served agree with.

Within the last month I became aware of the "Hometown Heroes" program. Hanging from lampposts in our downtown, and other downtown districts in the region, are banners with the pictures and names of former military personnel. I was looking at one of the banners hanging outside of my bank and I started thinking to myself. "Why is it always soldiers? Why don't we ever honor local civil rights and peace activists?" Having had some time to think about it, I also want educators, doctors, and inventors honored. Soldiers are not the only heroes in the world.

In all honesty, I can only think of a few non-military "Hometown Heroes" that I have been taught about. John W. Jones, a former slave that made sure the confederate soldiers that died in the Elmira Prison Camp during the Civil War were given a proper burial in Woodlawn National Cemetery. Then, a current resident of Woodlawn Cemetery, Samuel Clemens. Better known as Mark Twain. The first African American Heisman Trophy winner Ernie Davis, also lived here. In fact, the local middle school is named after him. Outside of that, everyone else is a "Hometown Hero" for being from here. 

There is a statue of Thomas K. Beecher in the local Wisner Park in downtown Elmira. I know two things about that statue. Thomas K. Beecher was an educator, and my ancestor John Cartledge (or one of his sons) carved the base that it stands on. I don't know if it is the oldest, but it is definitely one of the oldest statues in my city. However, I have no idea why he was that beloved. Statues aren't cheap, especially over 100 years ago, and he has the central statue in what could be called our town square. All of the other monuments date to after him, and are the normal run of war and soldier memorials. Starting in the Spanish-American war.

I want to see us honor more people like Thomas K. Beecher. (Who I just discovered has a Wikipedia page.) To bring out the hidden history of the good and kind in America. We do not need yet another Wall of Names of the fallen. We need a Wall of Names for the educators, builders, creators, and champions for justice.

P.S. Woodlawn National Cemetery (as far as I know) has the distinction of being the location of the northernmost Confederate Monument. It is dedicated to the fallen Confederate soldiers. Their cause was unjust, but everyone should be remembered.

I'm Still Here.

I've been busy with a project recently, and I am helping a family member with personal problems. So I haven't been able to devote as much time to this blog as it deserves. So good news everyone! New Content SOON!

I've got several drafts started. Tons of ideas flowing through my head. My personal goal is one to two posts a week. I think I could keep something going here for years to come.

The Casual Cruelty of "So, When Are You Going to Have Kids?"

Within the last couple of weeks, two wonderful people that I am lucky to call friends were married. During their reception I started thinking about how often you hear this evil phrase. Especially, soon after marriage. My friends and their own plans had nothing to do with this blog post. Except for giving me cause to remember my own experiences. I just started to wonder how long it would be before well meaning people would start asking them.... a phrase that I grew to hate (that isn't even a strong enough word) in my first marriage. "So, When are you guys going to have kids.?"

To this day, I always want to lecture people who ask that question. I know that it almost never is meant maliciously. I think that makes it worse, because it is almost always asked from a lack of conversation. As a filler. Or genuine misplaced curiosity.

When you think about it, the question is insanely rude. You are basically asking the couple, or at least one person in the couple, about so many private things. Also, about subjects that are normally off limits and considered taboo. You are asking about the couples sex life. Their personal health. Their finances, and how secure they are. Thousands of other questions that are none of your business. Especially since fertility issues are painful enough without being reminded of it regularly.


As for why I hate it so much. Well here's my personal story.

My ex-wife and I eloped. Not because we had to, but because her mother had started trying to dictate what, when, and how we were going to get married. That, coupled with the normal stress of planning a wedding, made us decide to elope and not include her. (At this point in time I know how bad of an idea that was, my only excuse is that I'm not always as smart as I should be. It is also a major reason I was firm about wanting a decent sized wedding when Maria and I wed.) The day after we did, people started asking us that dang question. "When are you going to have kids." All too many of them having decided that the only reason we rushed things was because my ex-wife was pregnant. Which could not have been further from the truth, we did it out of spite.

The truth is, my ex-wife and I had decided not to have children at that time, because we were not financially secure. We were young, and there was plenty of time to change our minds. We still got the damn question constantly. I got so very tired of answering that question. Being asked that question so much definitely influenced our decision to wait.

Then, things went sour. Our relationship became toxic. It was patterned by verbal and emotional abuse. It was a classic emotionally abusive relationship.

One day the ex told me that she had decided that we should try for a child. She wanted to discontinue her birth control. I was okay with it... She left me before the birth control she had taken truly had time to wear out. I later found out that the reason she wanted to have a child is to force her idea of maturity on me. "To make me grow up."

So, in that entire marriage. While I was asked that question constantly, the only time that we had actually tried to have children. It was for all of the wrong reasons. To this day I thank the Divine that we were unsuccessful. If we had had a child, my life would still be miserable. There is what I personally would point to if I was asked if I believed in Divine Intervention.

The one upside to having been through my first marriage was that it showed me how horrible a person I could be. My Quest to be a better person has led me to so many good places. It made me good enough for Maria to fall in love with me. Something that I thank the Divine regularly for. It led me back to Quakerism. Which I find incredibly fulfilling spiritually. The Quest is never ending, but the joy and treasure along the way is worth it.

As a postscript. My wife Maria and I are very happy together. I know exactly how we feel about having kids, and what our plans are. Which is nobody's business. If you ask if we are having children. I can and will lecture you about how cruel and rude the question is. A lecture I have been giving since well before I met Maria. You could argue that I am not being a good Quaker when I give it. I might agree, but I feel that I am helping you be a better person by pointing out a common cruelty.